Neglect.

Have you ever had an hour, day, week, month or year that you wish just didn't happen? I can answer that question with a firm, yes. 

You see, dear reader(s), April and May were not my brightest months. I could probably even count back as far as January, but there were enough good things in the first three months of this year that made them tolerable. I identified the dark cloud that I just couldn't shake; my internship. It's over, the semester is over, and slowly but surely, I am letting happiness win again. In fact, it was just last week that I was asked how my life was going and without missing a beat, I replied, "I really love my life right now!" And it's true. I do. 

I had a not so pretty day in May, ugly would be a more fitting word. Earlier today, I was flipping through my phone and noticed what I had frantically wrote down in a moment of defeat and clarity. It really helped me release some emotions, and maybe if you are having a bad hour, day, week, month, or year, these words can help you too.

" There comes the moment when you realize that you have somehow stopped pursuing all the things that make you happy in life to pursue the things that don't. Bottom line: it's not worth it. Why do we continue to ignore the happiness we have, to work so hard for something else.Comparing ourselves to others, asking ourselves over and over again "why can't I have that life or be like that person?' instead of enjoying the life I have or being the person I am.

That's where I am right now. It took me too long to see it. Sometimes things are clearest through tear stained eyes. That gut-wrenching day when your body won't get out of bed, when the computer battery goes dead, and your phone is out of reach- that's when you come face to face with things you've been trying to out run, drown out, or just plain ignore.

We are broken people. I am one of those broken people. Trying to satisfy my selfish desires of what "I" believe will make me truly happy. A bigger paycheck, a fancy house on a desirable city block, to be able to tell all the best stories, to take the pictures that will make people jealous, to hang out with all the right people: for what?

Why is the life God has planned for me not enough. Why is boasting in his love for me and his blessings in my life not enough for me? Why have I thrown away the life I loved and the friends I love to pursue what I believe to be the better plan for me?

Dear God-
Forgive my selfish ways. Transform me into the person I am to be for your kingdom. Cleanse me of the lies that my heart and mind tell me, remove the darkness from my eyes, return my focus to you and not earthly joy and favor. I am broken and only made whole in you.

Amen." 

It's good to be back.